Holy hell

ACK! Once again I have delayed writing on my blogger.... For some reason it just seems I'm at a loss for words. I don't understand this either, like common it's me were talking about here, I ALWAYS have something to say. Like right now all I'm doing is pulling stuff out of my ass to talk about, that's sounds pretty shitty doesn't it.(literally) Well now it's become apparent to me, that my sense of humor is lacking too... This sucks ass.

Ummm let me see here, oh I know, lets talk about monkey babies. I believe I'm going to be having a monkey baby. You ask how or why I would think this, well you don't have a baby doing back flips all the time in your belly. That would be why I believe this is a monkey baby, I don't understand where it manages to find the energy to always be moving, yet if I had the choice I would sleep all the time.
I know I haven't given an update to how things are going, and I'm sorry for that... Here's a quickie for you all... I'm just about 6 months along, I'm due April 9th 2006, I find out on the 30th if I'm having a boy or a girl (YAY!), The babies dad is in the picture sorta (he's not to sure yet about what he wants, but he's coming around, still going to get a test done to make sure it's his, AND THEN he wants me to meet his parents.), and that would be about it for the updates. I think. Oh nope I was wrong, there's a little more to be added. I went and saw my dad, he's so happy for me, so are my sisters. I wish I could say the same about the rest of that side of my family. My grandmother is acting like I've committed murder, it's quite sad actually. All because she expected "more" from me. You figure she would have been happy for me, considering I'm happy finally. Oh well though not much I can do about it.
I again have another friend that has become pregnant too, that's like number 14 on the pregnant list of people I know. (goodie goodie hormones are flying)

Last and I'm pretty sure least of all, would be guys.
Still single though surprise surprize, and it's not bothering me as much as it used too. Yeah it sucks at night sometimes when you just get that feeling to be held, and no ones there to hold you. But I have my cat and my pillows. (unfortunately my cat won't be with me come Feb, I have to put the old fart down (it's going to kill me)) As for guys I'm going for, yeah there are none. I've figured out the more you try to get something you want, the longer it takes. So I'm going to let it all happen on it's own, and eventually I'll find me a man, right? hahaha yeah I'm pretty sure that's how it works.

So much for writers block eh, for someone that has nothing to say I sure found a lot to say. Wired. This is going to have to be the end of my little raves and rants right now though, I will come back on tomorrow and let everyone know what the baby is! YAY I can't wait. Until then I'll see you all on the flip side of things.

Love Terra & Baby

weird

It's yet again another boring weekend in the Terra house. Sitting on my ass doing nothing, but getting up to go to the bathroom or the fridge, I can't seem to find anything to do. Everyone is busy or working so they can't go out. What luck I have eh? LOL oh well, shit happens then you move on right.

I was actually going through other peoples blogs for the first time the other night, I was amazed at some of the stuff people came up with to talk about. Like this one guy went on for so long about pigeon poop, and how he thought the pigeons were shitting on 3 certain stairs on purpose. I was to say the least dumbfounded on why someone would just talk and talk and talk about pigeon shit. And the stupid thing is, I just kept reading what he wrote, while I might add giggling my ass off. Then there were other bloggers, some I didn't understand, others we're just weird. Sex blogs, dancing blogs, phone and airline, love and hate, drugs, booze, EVEN stalker bloggers. Just so many different and weird bloggers. I never really realized there were so many weird people out there...Just like me. I'm the type of person that can pick one topic and just go on and on about that one little thing, I may contradict myself a lot while I'm talking about it, but I still don't lose track of what I'm saying. May it be about bird poop, god, truth and lies, or even bugs. Whatever works right LOL....It's all good though I just thought I would say that it intrigues me, some of the thing people come up with to talk about. You think that there's only weird things going on in your head, then you read something someone else said and then you know that it's not just YOU thinking about those things.
SHIZZA and WHOA....Weird eh?

Terra

OH and I have to thank everyone that has been supporting me through all this, it means so so so much to me. Lyssa, Candis, your my bestfriend's and there are no words to express what you mean to me. And well Noah, you talked me out of doing something stupid...Like waiting LOL....You calmed me down and just make me smile(many meny times). There's nothing more I can ask from you than to keep making me smile. LOL But thank you Noah all that you have done for me means so much....Just thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Miss. Terra

Change...

Well I guess I can now say I have found my meaning for life!! I'm now going on 6 weeks of being pregnant, so there's my meaning to life!! I'm going to get to raise a beautiful baby girl or boy.... I have something to fight for now, and keep me going. I can't wait till I'm able to see my babies first steps and words, the smiles, and well being called mommy. This is one of the best things that ever could have happened to me, and I cry at thinking that in just 8 more months I'll be holding this little angel in my arms, thanking god for this gift.

Not everyone is happy about it, but that's ok, I know that soon they will be just as happy as me.
The babies dad is confused on what he wants to do, I know he wanted me to have an abortion but I could never bring myself to do it. I just hope that he'll come around in some way for the baby, I don't want my child growing up with out a father like I did. I know how much it hurts not to have one around, I don't want him or her to feel that sort of pain.

As for me being with the dad, no I'm not. It's fine with me, it was just something that happened between the 2 of us. I don't regret it, it's what happened between us that's giving me this angel.

But when it dose come to being with someone, I've been doing a lot of thinking... Who in their right mind is going to want to be with a woman with a baby on the way. There is nothing more in my life that I could ask for than to find someone who would want to be with me. Baby and all. I would never expect a guy to take on a father role with my kid, it's not there problem. I'm talking about finding someone who will accept the fact that I do have a kid on the way, and it won't bother them. My baby has a dad, so I'm not looking for that spot to be filled. I just want the empty spot by my side and in my heart to be filled with someone who will just care for me. And accept me with all my flaws, big and small ones LOL.....Maybe I'm just dreaming this guy up, probably am...But it doesn't hurt a girl to hope that there's a guy out there like that.

But yes that's the news of Miss. Terra happy mother to be...YAY I'm so excited

meaning

What is the meaning of life? I know I'll never get the awnser, because well people have been asking that question for centrys without getting a full awnser. Everyone eventually gets thier own awnser to the meaning of life, it's just waiting for it that sucks.
Like really I can't figure out what the point of my life is, but I've tryed the whole dying thing and it seems "god" dosen't want me dead yet. So that makes me think that theres a reason for me still being here, but what is that reason? What or who is it that I'm going to be able to change? I fight and I fight and fight, get knocked down time after time, yet still eventually get back up. I just don't understand, guess I never will. My lifes not perfect, never will it be, but I would like to be happy, TRUELY happy for once in my life. I don't know where I'm going with all this, or if anyone cares, but here I am writing everything I'm thinking down. My faith in god is sitting on the edge, yet I still do belive. Can't figure out why I belive but I do, theres some plan for me... but what?

stop

STOP seems to be the only smart word I've come to listen to lately. But even when I tell myself stop, my mind keeps going. I will admit I am WRONG about you. There is no me and you, never will there be a ME and YOU! So piss off and fuck off, OH and have a great day!

hehehe I like the word STOP, it's a word that actually gets through some peoples heads.
And when it dosen't, I let them meet my fist. It's fun!
But that is it, that is all for today, not alot I know but suck it up princess! lol

Terra

now and then

I think about you, and what we used to have. How when you left without even saying goodbye, I cryed. Now your back in my life and I'm confused, you tell me nothings changed with your feelings for me. But why is the only thing I can ask myself, why didn't he call, why didn't he tell me, WHY dose he want to come back into my life now? I thought all my feelings were locked up good behind the doors in my mind, yet now I find them slipping back into my mind and heart. Should I trust him again like I did back then, should I belive everything he's telling me now. That he's sorry for hurtting me, and he never ment too, that he still loves me and has thought about me all these years. I know I shouldn't, but I find myself falling back into his words, and if I didn't care still my eyes wouldn't be leaking... leaking for hope, tears falling cuz I think it's all to good to be true.... is it to good to be true?

Terra

???

I would have to say at this exact point with me, I am again once confused. I just don't understand, what it is I want when it comes to being with someone. I'm starting to hate myself for how I've been feeling inside, what am I suppost to do? MY GOD guys really know how to push a persons buttons, wait no I can't blame my problems on guys right now. Everything that I'm having problems with , has all been brought apon myself. People talk about womanizers, well maybe I'm a manizer. One minute I want to be with a guy, that well I know I could spend the rest of my life with, but then I don't. Maybe I'm scared but I'm starting to think that NO I'm not scared. I just don't want that right now, or maybe I just don't want that with him. I really don't know anymore. Then theres other guys that want to be with me, but I know for a fact I don't want to be with them. YET I keep pulling them along like little puppy dogs, on this leash I hold in my hand. I'm fucked up. I know people want to be with me, but why do none of them feel "right". Thats all I want, is to have when I 'm with someone, for it to feel right. I want family and all this stuff, I know I can have it, with ne of the people that have told me they want to be with me. BUT I don't want it with them, I don't want to be with them, I just want to be able to feel compfy in a relationship with someone. But I don't think I'll ever find that someone again, I'm looseing hope.
I'm way to fucked up for this right now, maybe I should just give up compleatly!

Terra

wait

Wait what do I do now?
Nothing left to stand by.
All alone at the begining once again,
With no one in my sight.

*crys*

Terra

No name

Time has a funny way of draining your hope away,
Faith once held so dear,
Slowly fades away with every free falling tear.
Words cut through you,
Like a razor blade though skin.
Changing yourself on the outside,
Day after day a new mark,
You've tainted yourself with the blade.
Always the same feelings of shame,
Pain with no hint of gain.
The outside always seems to change,
Yet you'll always be the same.
Inside your mind you realize the insanity of it all,
Stuck within the mess of finding redemption.
Everything inside rotting painfully away,
Reduced to the nothingness,
Numb to the blood red truths.
Will everything ever just stay the fucking same?
On my knees I sit and I bleed out the lies,
And feel the truths of my lies eating me from the inside.
What in this world makes sense anymore?
Listening to myself I see this so called insanity,
But if I'm insane why is it me that understands this reality?
I don't want to give up,
Even still I go for that door,
Falling though it I hit the floor.
Get up close myself off from what's left of my life,
As the door closes,
I finally smile for I've told myself there WILL be NO more.


Judged by the very hand and soul, that write the slashing words I fear so much. Where has my hope gone, and why dose it seem my faith once held so strongly, hurts me more than the blood that flows from my battle wounds. Fighting with the monster that's taken over my emotions, I always seem to loose. Locked behind my door's of masks, I've fooled you all, not to mention myself. Slowly fading away, I'm nothing but a memory, now part of my haunting past.

Terra Jo

Home

So I've been home for at least 3 weeks now, and well I have to say it's pretty damn depressing. I went away for like 2 weeks and had a blast, I finally got along with my sister and my dad everything. I was in pure happy mind settings for the first time in along time. But then my sister started telling me so much shit that she was doing, and I got upset and started hating myself even more than I did. My little sister has bipolor just like me, she's 16 and going down the same path I travled down. I blame myself for this and don't understand why I do. She cuts herself, drinks to the point of blacking out, dose drugs, and just hurts herself everyday. Theres nothing I can do about it and it kills me knowing that. I've been where she is, hell I still am. I've accepted everything thats wrong with me, but she hasn't she use's whats wrong with her as an excuse to get pitty from others. She's in deeper than I ever was. But enough about her, all I can really say is she's helped me relize the fear that I caused others. I fear for her life, I fear that one day I'm going to get that phone call telling me that she's gone. I now know what I've done to other people and I hate myself for doing so.
But yes I was happy for awhile when I was there, even when I got home I was happy for abit. Then everything just started draining away from me, I feel as though I've been sucked dry of life. I hate this town, I hate some people here, and most of all I hate myself. Those are all not good things to be feeling, why do I feel as though I'm already dead when I'm sitting here still breathing in life? Why do I feel that I don't deserve the things I have and the life I live? I guess I just blame myself for anything bad thats happend in my life and the peoples lives around me. Everything I touch turns to stone, just like my heart. People used to say I have a heart of gold, but I don't belive I do anymore, I think I'm just a big sad pathetic bitch. I don't want this life anymore, I have nothingto be proud of. I'm nothing plain and simple. As you all can tell I'm back to being depressed and suicidle, I've been cutting myself and continplating death as my escape. Not good at all. So many things I've lost, and can never get back. Me living in my memories past is getting me no where fast. I want back the love I used to feel for life and everything around me, I want to be able to look at things and think there amazing and bueatyfull again... But I know it will never happen. Just like I know I'll never get married and have kids like I want too, I'm not loved by any guy. Thats ok though I've come to accept that. Hell the last guy that told me he loved me, only said it becasue he was playing with my head and heart. I relized that after the fact of corse and even though I know this info I don't care cuz I still love him and want to be with him. He promised me the world and I didn't care, I just wanted him. I loved his family with all my heart and I loved him with all my heart and soul, then I lost him and with him went everything good about me. It's sad to know that someone you loved only loved you cuz of the game. I just want to be happy, but it's aparently too much to ask for.
I don't care about money and all that bullshit. I just want family, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I've become. The thought of my death brings an odd sence of serenity and calm.

BOO!

Hello all!!! I do belive this would be like my second time writing on my blog not pissed of or depressed. Surprised yes yes I am, HAHAHA well then I shall start by telling all that I'm happy right now. Adding to that, that it didn't take a guy or ne of that shizza to get me into this mood. Sure I've met some really nice guys, and one of them I talk to all the time which he's really great. But I realized alot in the last few weeks, sure I still have my up's and then my really bad downs. But I'm working on trying to control the mood swings that take control of me everyday. It's all good and peachy though, I have people to lean on and people who are actually truthful and there for me. I also leave monday evening for Grande Prairie to go visit family up there, mostly my father and grandma. It's going to be nice to get away from lethbridge, you know go and take a breather clear my mind. Yesum it's going to be nice for sure. So this is going to be the last time I write on here for about 2 weeks but when I get back I will be sure to update everyone on the details of my trip. Of corse some will find out before I write on here but thats ok....well ok ok ok only like 3 people will find out before I write on here lol....You know who you are too ;)
I'll miss talking to everyone, so I will try to keep in touch ok...
Love you all Terra Jo

Understand....

I've spent too many hours alone.

All those nights,

Spent under the stars with their fake neon glow,

Empty and alone.

But their light quickly fades,

And I'm left with nothing.

And these are the times the artist comes out and draws....

Carefully placed so you wouldn't know.

You talk to me and I listen.

When it's my turn,

You hear but do you understand?

I almost hope you don't.

To understand is to die....

To be confused is the only way to live.

Why can't I be confused?

Terra-Jo

Possible Signs of Depression: Lack of enthusiasm, low energy or motivation Withdrawal from friends and activities once enjoyed Frequent physical complaints-such as headaches - stomach aches Persistent sadness and hopelessness Increased irritability or agitation Missed school or poor school performance Changes in eating/sleeping habits Indecision, lack of concentration or forgetfulness Poor self-esteem or guilt Drug and/or alcohol abuse Thoughts of death or suicide


Wow funny how somethings just seem to fit you so well.... I hate it. I think I need some serious mental help...Oh wait I ALREADY GET THAT! Can you tell I'm pissed off, well I can isn't it great when your told to go get help, you do but it dosen't work. I've been fighting this for years now and I'm getting so FUCKING sick of always loseing to myself. They call help, help for a reason, it's suppost to help you. Well why do I find myself in a hole falling deeper and deeper into my mind. I don't hate myself or ne one for that matter, but I''m mad at myself for doing what I've done to everyone around me. So to fix everything I have to punish myself it seems, thats what I start thinking when I get really down. Nothing is ever ne one elses fault, it always has to be mine. Yeah I should really stop venting because everyone is going to really think that I'm crazy now. I understand myself too well, and I hate it. As my poem says sometimes I just want to be confused. But everything will turn out alright in the end, right?

Terra

Well

It's been an intresting few days since I last wrote on here. First let me start by saying I'm still alive, second I'm also now single again. I broke up with my ex yesterday night because I couldn't handle someone that was more clingy than myself as well at talked more than myself. I liked the guy but when your only going out with a person for 2 weeks not even, and he wants to tell you that he loves you....it gets kind of scarey! Also I can't keep lieing to myself about who I want to be with ne more, I just have to face facts that my bestfriend is who I'm ment to be with. Were both just to damn stubborn to do ne thing about it, he cares for me like I care abotu him. I can finally admit that, I think I'm ready to admit that :.

My mother told me tonight that I've grown up to be a wonderful/careing/very pretty young lady, she made me just about break down and cry. I also relised I have friends in people that I thought didn't give a flying rats ass, yet they do and I just wanna say thank you. I can't sit here and tell you all that everything is ok when it's not, I'm still having to many problems to even count on my hands and feet, but I'm dealing I guess you could say. Why dose life have to be so hard for some people? I just couldn't be one of those people that gets to fly through life, and be happy all the time... oh no that would just be wrong wouldn't it. Damn fucking shit! But hell I guess I'm dealing now eh, well the best I can I suppose. So many different issues to face everyday, it just make me more and more confused about life. Is this normal to be feeling all this? So many questions yet no way of awnsering all of them right now... sorry for wasting all you peoples special time but I'm done now, I think it's bedtime before I start over thinking and over analizing everything...or wait I already have started doing that hahaha shizza. Night everyone take it easy.

Terra

It's been awhile..

Yeah as my little thing about this says, it's been awhile. I look back at my other pathetic posts, and try to figure out what exactly I was thinking when I wrote them. About a week and a half ago now I got out of the hospital, surprise surprise some people would say. But now I'm sitting at home trying to figure out where I'm going with myself, or if I'm going to get ne where.

I'm a screw up to most people and now I understand why no one really wanted to be around me a lot. I don't hate my family for getting pissed off at me, and I don't hate my friends for trying to help me. All they were trying to do was help a lost cause, and well the family they have every right to be pissed off at me. Look at all the shit I have put them through in the last 6 years, they wake up every morning praying that I'm still alive because they never knew if I would be or not. I deserve to go to hell and rot there. The physical scares may be on me, but I have cut them every time I have cut myself deeper than I could have ever imagined. They put up with all the mental and emotional wounds that I have caused them. There's no way in the world I could say sorry for everything I've done, nothing I could do will ever make it up to them. I'm a shitty person.

I wish I could snap my fingers and just make it all go away but I can't, I have to live with everything I've done for the rest of my life. Not only do I have to live with that but I get the pleasure of living with my illness for the rest of my life. Who in their right mind is ever going to be able to love me, I have scar's littering my body, I have mental diseases that will never go away, and I guess I'm just a space case. Who knew eh?
I'm also sitting here trying to figure out why I bother writing on here when no one really cares or reads it anyways. Is there help for someone like me or better yet HOPE? Or do I just have to face facts here that I'm the only one that can ever help myself. I do make this promise now, I am going to keep trying, as much as I get beat down I will still try to stand. Even if it means staggering to my feet, I can't let ne one down ne more. This hurt that I've been feeling for to long now has to stay in my past, I can't keep letting it haunt me so.

Oh god I must be confusing everyone, sorry I tend to do that often. But if you are someone that knows me you'll understand everything I just said. I will keep trying and I am so sorry.

Terra

omg

I had a sort of kinda date tonight... but I don't know what to think of it all, god do I like this guy but I don't know if he likes me. I was in the hospital with him, we got along great and everything. But maybe he just wants to be friends, which would be great too. There's just so much shit going through my head right now about this all. I'm sick of guys fucking me around, I want a relationship for once insead of just sex. I'm done with this shit, I can't handle it ne more.

Shit

You know those times when you just can't help yourself and you try to say no... Well I've come to realize that I can't say no to some people. I lay my emotions on the line and then end up getting hurt, it's like living in a fucking soap opera. I've come to see that I'm laying between 2 rocks and soon I'm going to be stuck within their grips. You ask how or when did all this happen, well it's been in the works for awhile. I just didn't open my eyes and see what was going on. I don't want to explain myself ne more than what I have but I find myself falling and fast. This is sad and pathetic of me to admit but it's true, I let my guard down and my feelings come through. I see it now, this is going to end like everything else in my life... I'm going to end up getting hurt and he'll walk away like nothing ever happened. What the hell do I do now? No one is going to understand, not only that he'll never understand because he doesn't know who he is. I'm going to keep it like that because if he finds out then for sure I'll end up broken on the floor. It's better this way anyways, I can keep pretending and faking about my feelings towards him without him ever knowing. I hope. Then again maybe I can just let it all out and just get the pain over with right now, instead of letting it go any further.... But I don't know ne more.

Also it turns out that I'm still dealing with issues from the past because I'm once again back in the hospital. Not many people know what's going on and I don't want to tell them because then I know that I'll never get away from being a disappointment, my family will eat me alive as well as my friends at that. They don't understand me, they try to but I know they never will. The scar's littering my body tell me that they never will. So if my friends and family can't understand then how or why would a guy I like? I guess I'm just fucked. I'm going to keep hiding in the shadows with my feelings never being known, this way I won't feel the pain ne more. Maybe it's better this way anyways... I know your all probably going what the hell and you don't care but I do and I needed to vent. But I am done now. I just hope no other feelings pop up out of no where, that I thought I never had. All I can do is hope though.

Wants

I'm tired of this merry-go-round life I have. One minute I'm doing great and the next I'm back down in the hole I dug myself 5 years ago, it's seems like only yesterday that I started digging that grave though. Everyday I want to cry myself to sleep, but refrain from doing so because I'm the strong one, I'm the one that shouldn't hurt ne more, I'M EVERYONE'S ROCK GOD DAMIT! Well when can I not be this "rock" that everyone needs, when can I finally just crawl into that hole and go to sleep for the rest of my life. I'm tired of the pain, no one sees all the hurt in my eyes. No one cares to know that all I want in my life is love and family, I don't want all this other bullshit stuff. Call me old fashtioned I guess but I want a family I don't care if I'm 20 or not, I've wanted it since I was 18. I want to be with someone who will love me and who I can take care of just like a wife should, I just want to be happy. But dreams are dreams right, I have been yet to find someone who wants the same things out of life as me and I never will. My reality bites. I see those girls that have kids but don't want them and all I can think is how lucky they are for bring such an amazing thing into the world to love. But enough about my wishes or dreams whatever you want to call them. Maybe just plain insanity I donno. I do know this though , I have never once in my life gotten something I have wanted... I give and give but never ask or receive ne thing in return. Why is it then that I get punished in the end? Why is it me that want to lay down and die every night? Why am I alone? WHY?? I don't understand and I'm frustrated all to hell, I don't want to cry ne more but I can't seem to stop the tears now.

Terra

Hoe of an older sister in my eyes.

My Older sister is now on the verge of have but yet another child, I have found this out today from my father. He told me and all I could do is laugh and think "slut". She has had one child already, now another one on the way and this time it's with her roommate who by the way has a girlfriend already. Go figure why I think slut. So my father was like yes your going to be an auntie again, YET again I laughed becasue I have been more of an auntie to that little angel in the picture there than I have to my real neice. That little one in the pic is Jade, my best friend's baby. I belive I will mostlikly always be more of an auntie to Jade than I ever will be to my real neice. I don't even think of my sister as family ne more, she can't even pick up a damn phone a call me so I don't fucking care what happens with her. The only time she feels the need to talk to me is when something is wrong and she wants advise or money. and I don't find it right at all.

School

Well it's going to be one hell of along week for me. But lucky for me my one class got canceled today so I didn't have to deal with it. 6 hours damn near every day this week, you'll find me at the college doing work on my classes and so on. So much for my spare time, all this is just going to add onto my stress levels.
I have to deal with all my damn friends putting all there problems on me, my family pressuring me, guys not really being up front with me, and well now the whole school thing. It's going to be like this with school not just for this week but for the next few weeks to come. Hopefully things will get better, I can't do ne thing now but look on the brighter side of things and pray to god that something good will come out of all this. Well besides the stress meters going sky high lmao but I think I'll deal with that hahaha

Terra

Those times

You know when you have a feeling that something is wrong, but you can't really figure out exactly what it is? Well that's what's going on with me right now, all day I've been up and down I just can't figure this all out. I don't know what's wrong with me, this is frustrating. People don't just cry for no reason, and I found myself looking for a reason why I cried after I was crying. As of right now I am fine but it was just earlier, I don't know what got into me. Definitely not myself today, I need some snuggles!
Terra

What I looked like friday night

This would be a picture of me friday night before I left for my date. I tryed so hard to impress him, hopefully it worked. Hair, makeup, my cloathing, my god I went all out. I never do that, but for some reason I did. BUT other than that I looked damn good so yeah it's all good hahaha and I did have fun.

Well this is me for those of you who know me well, laugh all you want I know I did.... and those of you who don't know me do something about if. If it turns out in the end your not going to like me then oh well theres alot of other jokers in the world.  

well now