???

I would have to say at this exact point with me, I am again once confused. I just don't understand, what it is I want when it comes to being with someone. I'm starting to hate myself for how I've been feeling inside, what am I suppost to do? MY GOD guys really know how to push a persons buttons, wait no I can't blame my problems on guys right now. Everything that I'm having problems with , has all been brought apon myself. People talk about womanizers, well maybe I'm a manizer. One minute I want to be with a guy, that well I know I could spend the rest of my life with, but then I don't. Maybe I'm scared but I'm starting to think that NO I'm not scared. I just don't want that right now, or maybe I just don't want that with him. I really don't know anymore. Then theres other guys that want to be with me, but I know for a fact I don't want to be with them. YET I keep pulling them along like little puppy dogs, on this leash I hold in my hand. I'm fucked up. I know people want to be with me, but why do none of them feel "right". Thats all I want, is to have when I 'm with someone, for it to feel right. I want family and all this stuff, I know I can have it, with ne of the people that have told me they want to be with me. BUT I don't want it with them, I don't want to be with them, I just want to be able to feel compfy in a relationship with someone. But I don't think I'll ever find that someone again, I'm looseing hope.
I'm way to fucked up for this right now, maybe I should just give up compleatly!

Terra

wait

Wait what do I do now?
Nothing left to stand by.
All alone at the begining once again,
With no one in my sight.

*crys*

Terra

No name

Time has a funny way of draining your hope away,
Faith once held so dear,
Slowly fades away with every free falling tear.
Words cut through you,
Like a razor blade though skin.
Changing yourself on the outside,
Day after day a new mark,
You've tainted yourself with the blade.
Always the same feelings of shame,
Pain with no hint of gain.
The outside always seems to change,
Yet you'll always be the same.
Inside your mind you realize the insanity of it all,
Stuck within the mess of finding redemption.
Everything inside rotting painfully away,
Reduced to the nothingness,
Numb to the blood red truths.
Will everything ever just stay the fucking same?
On my knees I sit and I bleed out the lies,
And feel the truths of my lies eating me from the inside.
What in this world makes sense anymore?
Listening to myself I see this so called insanity,
But if I'm insane why is it me that understands this reality?
I don't want to give up,
Even still I go for that door,
Falling though it I hit the floor.
Get up close myself off from what's left of my life,
As the door closes,
I finally smile for I've told myself there WILL be NO more.


Judged by the very hand and soul, that write the slashing words I fear so much. Where has my hope gone, and why dose it seem my faith once held so strongly, hurts me more than the blood that flows from my battle wounds. Fighting with the monster that's taken over my emotions, I always seem to loose. Locked behind my door's of masks, I've fooled you all, not to mention myself. Slowly fading away, I'm nothing but a memory, now part of my haunting past.

Terra Jo