omg

I had a sort of kinda date tonight... but I don't know what to think of it all, god do I like this guy but I don't know if he likes me. I was in the hospital with him, we got along great and everything. But maybe he just wants to be friends, which would be great too. There's just so much shit going through my head right now about this all. I'm sick of guys fucking me around, I want a relationship for once insead of just sex. I'm done with this shit, I can't handle it ne more.

Shit

You know those times when you just can't help yourself and you try to say no... Well I've come to realize that I can't say no to some people. I lay my emotions on the line and then end up getting hurt, it's like living in a fucking soap opera. I've come to see that I'm laying between 2 rocks and soon I'm going to be stuck within their grips. You ask how or when did all this happen, well it's been in the works for awhile. I just didn't open my eyes and see what was going on. I don't want to explain myself ne more than what I have but I find myself falling and fast. This is sad and pathetic of me to admit but it's true, I let my guard down and my feelings come through. I see it now, this is going to end like everything else in my life... I'm going to end up getting hurt and he'll walk away like nothing ever happened. What the hell do I do now? No one is going to understand, not only that he'll never understand because he doesn't know who he is. I'm going to keep it like that because if he finds out then for sure I'll end up broken on the floor. It's better this way anyways, I can keep pretending and faking about my feelings towards him without him ever knowing. I hope. Then again maybe I can just let it all out and just get the pain over with right now, instead of letting it go any further.... But I don't know ne more.

Also it turns out that I'm still dealing with issues from the past because I'm once again back in the hospital. Not many people know what's going on and I don't want to tell them because then I know that I'll never get away from being a disappointment, my family will eat me alive as well as my friends at that. They don't understand me, they try to but I know they never will. The scar's littering my body tell me that they never will. So if my friends and family can't understand then how or why would a guy I like? I guess I'm just fucked. I'm going to keep hiding in the shadows with my feelings never being known, this way I won't feel the pain ne more. Maybe it's better this way anyways... I know your all probably going what the hell and you don't care but I do and I needed to vent. But I am done now. I just hope no other feelings pop up out of no where, that I thought I never had. All I can do is hope though.

Wants

I'm tired of this merry-go-round life I have. One minute I'm doing great and the next I'm back down in the hole I dug myself 5 years ago, it's seems like only yesterday that I started digging that grave though. Everyday I want to cry myself to sleep, but refrain from doing so because I'm the strong one, I'm the one that shouldn't hurt ne more, I'M EVERYONE'S ROCK GOD DAMIT! Well when can I not be this "rock" that everyone needs, when can I finally just crawl into that hole and go to sleep for the rest of my life. I'm tired of the pain, no one sees all the hurt in my eyes. No one cares to know that all I want in my life is love and family, I don't want all this other bullshit stuff. Call me old fashtioned I guess but I want a family I don't care if I'm 20 or not, I've wanted it since I was 18. I want to be with someone who will love me and who I can take care of just like a wife should, I just want to be happy. But dreams are dreams right, I have been yet to find someone who wants the same things out of life as me and I never will. My reality bites. I see those girls that have kids but don't want them and all I can think is how lucky they are for bring such an amazing thing into the world to love. But enough about my wishes or dreams whatever you want to call them. Maybe just plain insanity I donno. I do know this though , I have never once in my life gotten something I have wanted... I give and give but never ask or receive ne thing in return. Why is it then that I get punished in the end? Why is it me that want to lay down and die every night? Why am I alone? WHY?? I don't understand and I'm frustrated all to hell, I don't want to cry ne more but I can't seem to stop the tears now.

Terra