My Boogers.

Christmas eve, Waiting to open 1 gift.

Had to add a picture of my cat Casey, I love this shit head

so much. I've lost alot of hair elastic's due to him though. lol

First time he got to eat by himself with a spoon.

New Years Eve.

New Years eve before we went to the grounds.

God damnit all to hell!!!

No one ever reads this anymore, but what the hell right? So it's been along long ass time since I've resorted to blogging my life away. But these days what else do I have. I'll awnser that, NOTHING. Thats right nothing, I have nothing but this and my children now. Thats is the extent of my freedom it feels. I've lost so many friends (that started happening when I got pregnant the first time though), that now I have nothing to do with myself but sit at home and eat. I've seen every damn movie thats come out in the last year and some, and let me add at home. My life revolves around home. Not that it's a bad thing. But sometimes it is. When I have to ask to go out with my friends, but get told no becasue I have to watch the kids so he can play vids or whatever. It sucks. He can do this and that whenever he wants, me I have to ask or let him know so he can talk me out of it or make me feel bad. Dose he do it on perpouse, I donno. His ex cheated, so maybe he thinks I'll do the same? Thats why he's doing this and shit. The saddest part about this all is, I looked at a picture tonight of an ex.... And I found myself in loop-2-loops and tears, realizing that in away I fucking missed him, AND hated him more! Like what the FUCK! I love my C, he's not always shitty, he has issues like me I guess. I just don't know how to handle another person with problems like mine. But that dosen't explain why I found myself missing (blank) and waning to poke his eyes out with a pen. Was it becasue he was happy and care free, and I'm not. Or that he's happy and care free with out me, and that was the plan when we were together?? Or did just the sight of him annoy me so much that I wanted to punch him cuz I missed him. OR do I just want to beat him and I don't really miss him, the feeling in my tummy is actually me wanting to get sick from looking at for what he did to me? I don't know.... C dose treat me really good, I just want more? Maybe some help, so I'm not the only one doing everything. He dose love me. I donno I'm just depressed I guess. (duh right, thats not obvious). (Blank) cheated on me when we were together, so I know I don't want to be with him.(good thing, scared myself for a second there) We were friends though at one point, so i understand I guess wh yi miss him alittle (talking to him that is). I guess I just wish I didn't. It would be so much easier. I love C with all my heart and soul, I just wish somethings weren't the way they are. I hate how he makes me feel bad when he's the one thats done something wrong. I don't even fight back anymore, becasue I know I'll lose even if I'm right and prove it. Christ whats it going to be like when we're married? Should we get married? Am I really fucked up? Do I want to much? I just want to be able to have my own things to do, and my own life outside of the house, kids, and him. I would feel so much better if I could see my friends more, instead of just talking to them on the phone. Well the 4 I do talk too. How do i figure this out, or go about making this work or happen? I've tried before, and he just gets upset and says well at least you have friends here. Mine are all in Edmonton. Like WTF? ugh this is so fucking frustrating! I haven't even swared this much in awhile, man this blows the big vainy rock hard one.

On a good note though, I had my second child on January 21 2008. A baby boy named Riley Travis. My children make my world whole, and a better place. I love them with every fiber of mybeing.

But thats all, I'm sure alot of what i said didn't make sence and spelling is bad, but oh well. Thats all for now.

Terra

Surprise!

Well here we go again on this roller coaster of a ride, the dips, turns, and upside down Lupe-De Lupe's. Hell what a ride I tell you! If your a little lost let me inform you of what I'm talking about, I am pregnant again. About 4 and a half months to be exact, this would be my 3d pregnancy. After kierra's 1st birthday I became pregnant for the 2ND time, was about a month and some along... Then miscarried for some reason. Out of the blue I became pregnant again, it was confusing at first because we didn't know how it could have happened (we wanted my body to heal, but I hadn't even had my first period yet after the miscarriage..), but it did. So we went with it, and it's been one hell of a ride as a stated before. I have been nothing but sick, a lot of the time it doesn't make sense but then again it dose. I guess it doesn't help that I have been depressed, don't get me wrong I have been so happy about this baby coming ( A bigger family, who could ask for more), I just can't help sometimes but to be down and sad. I don't mean to be, and all I do is cry. I know it makes Colin frustrated with me, and we fight... But I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to be happy all the time I guess. He says that I'm not a good girlfriend sometimes, I don't know how to be better... How do I be better? I want to be the best I can be for him, I love him SO much. I know it's hard on him, when I go into a down... All he wants to do it help but can't. I just don't know how to make it all better. Everything has been so hard and stressful on him, what with all the complications, downs, mood swings, money, and Kierra not always listening and stuff... But they have been hard on me too, everything is hard on me too... I just want to make it better. The just of it all is I guess, I am happy about the baby, very very happy. But I do get depressed. It's just one big lupe and right now I'm stuck upside down.

Kierralynn is is doing great though, teeth all in pretty much, trying to talk, running everywhere, and just happy. I love my little monster.

Love Terra

My angel now

Such a angle

Me me me..... ME

Kierra

Colin

New.

So here's the thing, I'm in an amazing new relationship with this really great guy. Go figure that I would find one of them eh. But believe it or not I did. It's weird, this guy is so far from the asshole types that I usually go for, like so very far. I'm sure though that he can be an asshole, but so far he hasn't been to me. He hasn't even tried or wanted to use me in anyway. Hell he's even accepted my daughter along with me. He plays with her and just yeah it's so great. And well with me he's just always so sweet, I don't understand why someone would treat me so well. I'm not used to it by far. I am seriously just speechless, and well that doesn't happen often at all!!

I find myself having problems writing this, everything's just coming to my head all at once and jumbled. So I'm trying to be as clear as I can, and not jump from one thing to the next. But I'm just writing as things come to mind and out.

Back to Colin.... hehe wow. I guess that's it. He already knows everything really that goes on in my head, because I have no problems telling him. The damn fucking rabbit broke through my wall, and has started taking over my heart. Damit, I promised myself that would never happen, and a relationship was for sissies. I'm a sissy then. Because I like this relationship thing right now. It's just so wired that I can now say "boyfriend". LOL Last time that happened was Mike, and we all know how that went. (I still do and always will miss him probably, there is a place in my heart that no one will take over. That's my memory of him's home.)

Colin makes me feel great about myself, constantly telling me how beautiful I am. It's so hard to get used too. It's almost like I'm in high school again, the way me makes me feel. Talk about massive butterflies. Shizza, I'm in a lot of trouble with this one. Lord knows though if anything came between us, I would fight like a bitch to keep him. He is stuck right here till he feels he wants to go.

Ok so now on Kierra, she's getting so damn big. And still to this day my heart melts when I look at her. I don't know what I did to deserve her, but I'm glad I did it. I could never love anyone or anything more than I love her. Pete takes a close second though. I miss that little man sooooooooooo fucking much, I still cry because he's gone. Yeah I'm a baby, I know it. Just can't let other people know about me being weak. LOL

Well that's all for now, I'll be back soon for another update. Though I'm sure no one reads this anyways. LMAO

Love Terra

You know....

You know it seems like the future is so far away, yet today was the future yesterday. It's taken me so long to get to this point in my life, I finally have a reason to fight. I thought Kierra was the only reason I had for still being here, but she was the reason for keeping me here at first. Now I know that yes she is the main reason, but I'm also here because of me. I am worth fighting for. I can make my goals and dreams reality. It's going to take me awhile, this I know. All in due-time right, well I think that this is my time to shine now. It's only fair that I get the chance to be happy, I've been to hell and back more than once in my shortly lived life so far. So many years ahead of me, and I know it's going to get hard again. But I have to set an example for my beautiful little girl. One day I want her to be able to look up to me, and if I don't change things now, she never will. And well I want to be able to say that I'm proud of myself, instead of feeling shame when I look in the mirror. My past is my past, It's not who I am now, though it did help make me the person I am today. If my life wasn't the way it was, I would be a totally different person, and honistly I like who I've grown to become. I have the family I always dreamed of, well not a whole family but I couldn't be happier about it right now. One day the dream will be made full. I know how to wait for good thing to happen now. I know I will get upset and mad about things still, but never again to the point that I was at before. I don't want another mark made on my body by my own hand ever again. That part of me is gone. Again one day someone will accept my daughter and me for all the faults, then the rest of my dream will come true.

I know you all aren't used to me talking like this, or maybe you are who knows lol. Thats that though.

Love Terra and Kierra