Understand....

I've spent too many hours alone.

All those nights,

Spent under the stars with their fake neon glow,

Empty and alone.

But their light quickly fades,

And I'm left with nothing.

And these are the times the artist comes out and draws....

Carefully placed so you wouldn't know.

You talk to me and I listen.

When it's my turn,

You hear but do you understand?

I almost hope you don't.

To understand is to die....

To be confused is the only way to live.

Why can't I be confused?

Terra-Jo

Possible Signs of Depression: Lack of enthusiasm, low energy or motivation Withdrawal from friends and activities once enjoyed Frequent physical complaints-such as headaches - stomach aches Persistent sadness and hopelessness Increased irritability or agitation Missed school or poor school performance Changes in eating/sleeping habits Indecision, lack of concentration or forgetfulness Poor self-esteem or guilt Drug and/or alcohol abuse Thoughts of death or suicide


Wow funny how somethings just seem to fit you so well.... I hate it. I think I need some serious mental help...Oh wait I ALREADY GET THAT! Can you tell I'm pissed off, well I can isn't it great when your told to go get help, you do but it dosen't work. I've been fighting this for years now and I'm getting so FUCKING sick of always loseing to myself. They call help, help for a reason, it's suppost to help you. Well why do I find myself in a hole falling deeper and deeper into my mind. I don't hate myself or ne one for that matter, but I''m mad at myself for doing what I've done to everyone around me. So to fix everything I have to punish myself it seems, thats what I start thinking when I get really down. Nothing is ever ne one elses fault, it always has to be mine. Yeah I should really stop venting because everyone is going to really think that I'm crazy now. I understand myself too well, and I hate it. As my poem says sometimes I just want to be confused. But everything will turn out alright in the end, right?

Terra

Well

It's been an intresting few days since I last wrote on here. First let me start by saying I'm still alive, second I'm also now single again. I broke up with my ex yesterday night because I couldn't handle someone that was more clingy than myself as well at talked more than myself. I liked the guy but when your only going out with a person for 2 weeks not even, and he wants to tell you that he loves you....it gets kind of scarey! Also I can't keep lieing to myself about who I want to be with ne more, I just have to face facts that my bestfriend is who I'm ment to be with. Were both just to damn stubborn to do ne thing about it, he cares for me like I care abotu him. I can finally admit that, I think I'm ready to admit that :.

My mother told me tonight that I've grown up to be a wonderful/careing/very pretty young lady, she made me just about break down and cry. I also relised I have friends in people that I thought didn't give a flying rats ass, yet they do and I just wanna say thank you. I can't sit here and tell you all that everything is ok when it's not, I'm still having to many problems to even count on my hands and feet, but I'm dealing I guess you could say. Why dose life have to be so hard for some people? I just couldn't be one of those people that gets to fly through life, and be happy all the time... oh no that would just be wrong wouldn't it. Damn fucking shit! But hell I guess I'm dealing now eh, well the best I can I suppose. So many different issues to face everyday, it just make me more and more confused about life. Is this normal to be feeling all this? So many questions yet no way of awnsering all of them right now... sorry for wasting all you peoples special time but I'm done now, I think it's bedtime before I start over thinking and over analizing everything...or wait I already have started doing that hahaha shizza. Night everyone take it easy.

Terra

It's been awhile..

Yeah as my little thing about this says, it's been awhile. I look back at my other pathetic posts, and try to figure out what exactly I was thinking when I wrote them. About a week and a half ago now I got out of the hospital, surprise surprise some people would say. But now I'm sitting at home trying to figure out where I'm going with myself, or if I'm going to get ne where.

I'm a screw up to most people and now I understand why no one really wanted to be around me a lot. I don't hate my family for getting pissed off at me, and I don't hate my friends for trying to help me. All they were trying to do was help a lost cause, and well the family they have every right to be pissed off at me. Look at all the shit I have put them through in the last 6 years, they wake up every morning praying that I'm still alive because they never knew if I would be or not. I deserve to go to hell and rot there. The physical scares may be on me, but I have cut them every time I have cut myself deeper than I could have ever imagined. They put up with all the mental and emotional wounds that I have caused them. There's no way in the world I could say sorry for everything I've done, nothing I could do will ever make it up to them. I'm a shitty person.

I wish I could snap my fingers and just make it all go away but I can't, I have to live with everything I've done for the rest of my life. Not only do I have to live with that but I get the pleasure of living with my illness for the rest of my life. Who in their right mind is ever going to be able to love me, I have scar's littering my body, I have mental diseases that will never go away, and I guess I'm just a space case. Who knew eh?
I'm also sitting here trying to figure out why I bother writing on here when no one really cares or reads it anyways. Is there help for someone like me or better yet HOPE? Or do I just have to face facts here that I'm the only one that can ever help myself. I do make this promise now, I am going to keep trying, as much as I get beat down I will still try to stand. Even if it means staggering to my feet, I can't let ne one down ne more. This hurt that I've been feeling for to long now has to stay in my past, I can't keep letting it haunt me so.

Oh god I must be confusing everyone, sorry I tend to do that often. But if you are someone that knows me you'll understand everything I just said. I will keep trying and I am so sorry.

Terra