Such a angle

Me me me..... ME

Kierra

Colin

New.

So here's the thing, I'm in an amazing new relationship with this really great guy. Go figure that I would find one of them eh. But believe it or not I did. It's weird, this guy is so far from the asshole types that I usually go for, like so very far. I'm sure though that he can be an asshole, but so far he hasn't been to me. He hasn't even tried or wanted to use me in anyway. Hell he's even accepted my daughter along with me. He plays with her and just yeah it's so great. And well with me he's just always so sweet, I don't understand why someone would treat me so well. I'm not used to it by far. I am seriously just speechless, and well that doesn't happen often at all!!

I find myself having problems writing this, everything's just coming to my head all at once and jumbled. So I'm trying to be as clear as I can, and not jump from one thing to the next. But I'm just writing as things come to mind and out.

Back to Colin.... hehe wow. I guess that's it. He already knows everything really that goes on in my head, because I have no problems telling him. The damn fucking rabbit broke through my wall, and has started taking over my heart. Damit, I promised myself that would never happen, and a relationship was for sissies. I'm a sissy then. Because I like this relationship thing right now. It's just so wired that I can now say "boyfriend". LOL Last time that happened was Mike, and we all know how that went. (I still do and always will miss him probably, there is a place in my heart that no one will take over. That's my memory of him's home.)

Colin makes me feel great about myself, constantly telling me how beautiful I am. It's so hard to get used too. It's almost like I'm in high school again, the way me makes me feel. Talk about massive butterflies. Shizza, I'm in a lot of trouble with this one. Lord knows though if anything came between us, I would fight like a bitch to keep him. He is stuck right here till he feels he wants to go.

Ok so now on Kierra, she's getting so damn big. And still to this day my heart melts when I look at her. I don't know what I did to deserve her, but I'm glad I did it. I could never love anyone or anything more than I love her. Pete takes a close second though. I miss that little man sooooooooooo fucking much, I still cry because he's gone. Yeah I'm a baby, I know it. Just can't let other people know about me being weak. LOL

Well that's all for now, I'll be back soon for another update. Though I'm sure no one reads this anyways. LMAO

Love Terra

You know....

You know it seems like the future is so far away, yet today was the future yesterday. It's taken me so long to get to this point in my life, I finally have a reason to fight. I thought Kierra was the only reason I had for still being here, but she was the reason for keeping me here at first. Now I know that yes she is the main reason, but I'm also here because of me. I am worth fighting for. I can make my goals and dreams reality. It's going to take me awhile, this I know. All in due-time right, well I think that this is my time to shine now. It's only fair that I get the chance to be happy, I've been to hell and back more than once in my shortly lived life so far. So many years ahead of me, and I know it's going to get hard again. But I have to set an example for my beautiful little girl. One day I want her to be able to look up to me, and if I don't change things now, she never will. And well I want to be able to say that I'm proud of myself, instead of feeling shame when I look in the mirror. My past is my past, It's not who I am now, though it did help make me the person I am today. If my life wasn't the way it was, I would be a totally different person, and honistly I like who I've grown to become. I have the family I always dreamed of, well not a whole family but I couldn't be happier about it right now. One day the dream will be made full. I know how to wait for good thing to happen now. I know I will get upset and mad about things still, but never again to the point that I was at before. I don't want another mark made on my body by my own hand ever again. That part of me is gone. Again one day someone will accept my daughter and me for all the faults, then the rest of my dream will come true.

I know you all aren't used to me talking like this, or maybe you are who knows lol. Thats that though.

Love Terra and Kierra

Kierra

Kierra-Lynn Ann, born March 11th 2006 at 9:06pm, 6.6 pounds.

Wonderful

You know I've realized I always start out a new post by saying "it's been awhile", and well it has but I think I need to find anew way to say it.

So uhhh it's been awhile, and I thought I would say hi to everyone, and well let them know what's up! Here's what's up in the world of Terra... I had a baby girl. Her name is Kierra-Lynn Ann, she is now 2 months and a day old (born March 11th at 9:06pm). I had her by emergency C-section 3 weeks early, now she is healthy and it's wonderful. I never knew being a mother would feel like this, it's a feeling I never want to go away and I'm happy it never will. Kierra has become my everything, and I couldn't be happier that my World is full of sunshine and poop! LOL

Kierra's dad is in the picture, so is his whole family. Jack love's her to death, his mom, dad, and brother do too. I was scared through out the pregnancy that he would choose to not be apart of her life, and surprised when he came around and fell in love with her like I did.

On a different note, do any of you know what it is like to break someone's heart? Well I had the unwanted pleasure to find out how it feels to do so to another person. A friend of mine told me he loved me, which he always dose when he gets a few drinks in him. And sure enough every time I tell him I'm sorry that I don't feel the same way. But this time he told me he wanted to die because he couldn't be with me, he went the whole 9 yards to make me feel like shit for not loving him back. I can't help the way I feel, and I'm not going to make myself unhappy (and be with him) just so he can be happy. I've been unhappy for most of my damn life, and now that I'm happy I'm not giving it up for the world. Granted if he dose hurt himself I will probably fall back into depresstion, blame myself because he said it would be my fault, and well never forgive myself for him doing that to himself. But I wasn't going to lie to him just to keep him happy, he wanted to talk to me with out the bullshit so he got the truth point blank. I don't love him and he can't make me love him. Yet why do I feel so shitty for breaking his heart like this, I never knew how it felt to hurt someone like this, I knew all to well what it was like to be on the other end of the stick though. That would be the shit end if you all didn't know already. But never the side where your putting the person in the shit end. It really truly sucks ass, I have not felt this shitty in along ass time. OH but another kicker about this is, he knows all about my past and stuff, but he had the nerve to tell me I didn't know what it was like to want to die... I got pissed and yelled at him. He doesn't have to pop pills every damn day just to stay sane, or go to see a head doctor every month so he's not thrown back into the loonie bin (or funny farm however you know it as)... No I don't know what it's like to wish for death to show up at my door step, not at all. Fuck he made me mad, then when I told him I had to go and feed Kierra, and to talk to me tomorrow when he was sober, he told me I was dead to him and got even madder at me (then the guilt trip got worse). I said goodbye, felt bad for ignoring the rest of the things he was saying, but it had to be done right? God can we say drama drama drama!

There is a hell of a lot more I should probably keep saying, but I am tired and need to be up in like 2 hours to feed Kierra. So for now this is going to have to be enough, until the next time see you all on the flip side of things!

Love Terra & Kierra

When asleep I dream of monsters,
This person you've turned out to be,
Oh how I loved you once.

Broken down to nothing again,
In my mind I find no means to an end.
Riding a rollercoaster of thought,
No longer loving who I am,
Always putting my everything into him.

Who are you?
Who am I?
The question is no longer about who you are,
But where this person who is me has disappeared too...

I can see myself running with no end in sight,
Tears falling,
Forming puddles of memories on my well beaten path.

Truths that are lies,
Lies that can't be the truth,
Contradicting myself left and right,
What is there to believe in?

You beat me down with your words,
Helping me dig this hole deeper,
All just to bring me closer to where you are.

You watch me,
Knowing I can no longer stand on my own.
Slowly your letting me drown,
In all these binding flash back memories of you.

I'm so confused...
You were the beginning of my sin...


(I wrote this a few weeks back about an ex that told me he still loved me...
Mike you can be such an ass when you know it will hurt me.)

Terra