Home

So I've been home for at least 3 weeks now, and well I have to say it's pretty damn depressing. I went away for like 2 weeks and had a blast, I finally got along with my sister and my dad everything. I was in pure happy mind settings for the first time in along time. But then my sister started telling me so much shit that she was doing, and I got upset and started hating myself even more than I did. My little sister has bipolor just like me, she's 16 and going down the same path I travled down. I blame myself for this and don't understand why I do. She cuts herself, drinks to the point of blacking out, dose drugs, and just hurts herself everyday. Theres nothing I can do about it and it kills me knowing that. I've been where she is, hell I still am. I've accepted everything thats wrong with me, but she hasn't she use's whats wrong with her as an excuse to get pitty from others. She's in deeper than I ever was. But enough about her, all I can really say is she's helped me relize the fear that I caused others. I fear for her life, I fear that one day I'm going to get that phone call telling me that she's gone. I now know what I've done to other people and I hate myself for doing so.
But yes I was happy for awhile when I was there, even when I got home I was happy for abit. Then everything just started draining away from me, I feel as though I've been sucked dry of life. I hate this town, I hate some people here, and most of all I hate myself. Those are all not good things to be feeling, why do I feel as though I'm already dead when I'm sitting here still breathing in life? Why do I feel that I don't deserve the things I have and the life I live? I guess I just blame myself for anything bad thats happend in my life and the peoples lives around me. Everything I touch turns to stone, just like my heart. People used to say I have a heart of gold, but I don't belive I do anymore, I think I'm just a big sad pathetic bitch. I don't want this life anymore, I have nothingto be proud of. I'm nothing plain and simple. As you all can tell I'm back to being depressed and suicidle, I've been cutting myself and continplating death as my escape. Not good at all. So many things I've lost, and can never get back. Me living in my memories past is getting me no where fast. I want back the love I used to feel for life and everything around me, I want to be able to look at things and think there amazing and bueatyfull again... But I know it will never happen. Just like I know I'll never get married and have kids like I want too, I'm not loved by any guy. Thats ok though I've come to accept that. Hell the last guy that told me he loved me, only said it becasue he was playing with my head and heart. I relized that after the fact of corse and even though I know this info I don't care cuz I still love him and want to be with him. He promised me the world and I didn't care, I just wanted him. I loved his family with all my heart and I loved him with all my heart and soul, then I lost him and with him went everything good about me. It's sad to know that someone you loved only loved you cuz of the game. I just want to be happy, but it's aparently too much to ask for.
I don't care about money and all that bullshit. I just want family, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I've become. The thought of my death brings an odd sence of serenity and calm.