No one ever reads this anymore, but what the hell right? So it's been along long ass time since I've resorted to blogging my life away. But these days what else do I have. I'll awnser that, NOTHING. Thats right nothing, I have nothing but this and my children now. Thats is the extent of my freedom it feels. I've lost so many friends (that started happening when I got pregnant the first time though), that now I have nothing to do with myself but sit at home and eat. I've seen every damn movie thats come out in the last year and some, and let me add at home. My life revolves around home. Not that it's a bad thing. But sometimes it is. When I have to ask to go out with my friends, but get told no becasue I have to watch the kids so he can play vids or whatever. It sucks. He can do this and that whenever he wants, me I have to ask or let him know so he can talk me out of it or make me feel bad. Dose he do it on perpouse, I donno. His ex cheated, so maybe he thinks I'll do the same? Thats why he's doing this and shit. The saddest part about this all is, I looked at a picture tonight of an ex.... And I found myself in loop-2-loops and tears, realizing that in away I fucking missed him, AND hated him more! Like what the FUCK! I love my C, he's not always shitty, he has issues like me I guess. I just don't know how to handle another person with problems like mine. But that dosen't explain why I found myself missing (blank) and waning to poke his eyes out with a pen. Was it becasue he was happy and care free, and I'm not. Or that he's happy and care free with out me, and that was the plan when we were together?? Or did just the sight of him annoy me so much that I wanted to punch him cuz I missed him. OR do I just want to beat him and I don't really miss him, the feeling in my tummy is actually me wanting to get sick from looking at for what he did to me? I don't know.... C dose treat me really good, I just want more? Maybe some help, so I'm not the only one doing everything. He dose love me. I donno I'm just depressed I guess. (duh right, thats not obvious). (Blank) cheated on me when we were together, so I know I don't want to be with him.(good thing, scared myself for a second there) We were friends though at one point, so i understand I guess wh yi miss him alittle (talking to him that is). I guess I just wish I didn't. It would be so much easier. I love C with all my heart and soul, I just wish somethings weren't the way they are. I hate how he makes me feel bad when he's the one thats done something wrong. I don't even fight back anymore, becasue I know I'll lose even if I'm right and prove it. Christ whats it going to be like when we're married? Should we get married? Am I really fucked up? Do I want to much? I just want to be able to have my own things to do, and my own life outside of the house, kids, and him. I would feel so much better if I could see my friends more, instead of just talking to them on the phone. Well the 4 I do talk too. How do i figure this out, or go about making this work or happen? I've tried before, and he just gets upset and says well at least you have friends here. Mine are all in Edmonton. Like WTF? ugh this is so fucking frustrating! I haven't even swared this much in awhile, man this blows the big vainy rock hard one.
On a good note though, I had my second child on January 21 2008. A baby boy named Riley Travis. My children make my world whole, and a better place. I love them with every fiber of mybeing.
But thats all, I'm sure alot of what i said didn't make sence and spelling is bad, but oh well. Thats all for now.
Terra
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