Shit

You know those times when you just can't help yourself and you try to say no... Well I've come to realize that I can't say no to some people. I lay my emotions on the line and then end up getting hurt, it's like living in a fucking soap opera. I've come to see that I'm laying between 2 rocks and soon I'm going to be stuck within their grips. You ask how or when did all this happen, well it's been in the works for awhile. I just didn't open my eyes and see what was going on. I don't want to explain myself ne more than what I have but I find myself falling and fast. This is sad and pathetic of me to admit but it's true, I let my guard down and my feelings come through. I see it now, this is going to end like everything else in my life... I'm going to end up getting hurt and he'll walk away like nothing ever happened. What the hell do I do now? No one is going to understand, not only that he'll never understand because he doesn't know who he is. I'm going to keep it like that because if he finds out then for sure I'll end up broken on the floor. It's better this way anyways, I can keep pretending and faking about my feelings towards him without him ever knowing. I hope. Then again maybe I can just let it all out and just get the pain over with right now, instead of letting it go any further.... But I don't know ne more.

Also it turns out that I'm still dealing with issues from the past because I'm once again back in the hospital. Not many people know what's going on and I don't want to tell them because then I know that I'll never get away from being a disappointment, my family will eat me alive as well as my friends at that. They don't understand me, they try to but I know they never will. The scar's littering my body tell me that they never will. So if my friends and family can't understand then how or why would a guy I like? I guess I'm just fucked. I'm going to keep hiding in the shadows with my feelings never being known, this way I won't feel the pain ne more. Maybe it's better this way anyways... I know your all probably going what the hell and you don't care but I do and I needed to vent. But I am done now. I just hope no other feelings pop up out of no where, that I thought I never had. All I can do is hope though.