It's been awhile..

Yeah as my little thing about this says, it's been awhile. I look back at my other pathetic posts, and try to figure out what exactly I was thinking when I wrote them. About a week and a half ago now I got out of the hospital, surprise surprise some people would say. But now I'm sitting at home trying to figure out where I'm going with myself, or if I'm going to get ne where.

I'm a screw up to most people and now I understand why no one really wanted to be around me a lot. I don't hate my family for getting pissed off at me, and I don't hate my friends for trying to help me. All they were trying to do was help a lost cause, and well the family they have every right to be pissed off at me. Look at all the shit I have put them through in the last 6 years, they wake up every morning praying that I'm still alive because they never knew if I would be or not. I deserve to go to hell and rot there. The physical scares may be on me, but I have cut them every time I have cut myself deeper than I could have ever imagined. They put up with all the mental and emotional wounds that I have caused them. There's no way in the world I could say sorry for everything I've done, nothing I could do will ever make it up to them. I'm a shitty person.

I wish I could snap my fingers and just make it all go away but I can't, I have to live with everything I've done for the rest of my life. Not only do I have to live with that but I get the pleasure of living with my illness for the rest of my life. Who in their right mind is ever going to be able to love me, I have scar's littering my body, I have mental diseases that will never go away, and I guess I'm just a space case. Who knew eh?
I'm also sitting here trying to figure out why I bother writing on here when no one really cares or reads it anyways. Is there help for someone like me or better yet HOPE? Or do I just have to face facts here that I'm the only one that can ever help myself. I do make this promise now, I am going to keep trying, as much as I get beat down I will still try to stand. Even if it means staggering to my feet, I can't let ne one down ne more. This hurt that I've been feeling for to long now has to stay in my past, I can't keep letting it haunt me so.

Oh god I must be confusing everyone, sorry I tend to do that often. But if you are someone that knows me you'll understand everything I just said. I will keep trying and I am so sorry.

Terra